March 16, 2006

March Metrical Madness

By Pat Lynch

*ATLANTA REGIONAL

#16 SOUTHERN
First Round: They draw Duke
Jaguars will be out-classed by
"Cadillac of teams"

#15 PENN
Texas wins the game
But the Quakers will laugh last
They have real degrees

#14 NORTHWESTERN STATE
Meet Northwestern State
Where are they from? Here's a hint:
Not a northwest state

#13 IONA
Here's a neat "What if..."
Iona plays Iowa
Old people: Confused

#12 TEXAS A&M
Last time Aggies danced
Fans got funky to Wang Chung
Now...aren't those guys dead?

#11 SOUTHERN ILLINOIS
Don't tell SIU
"There's no noise in Illinois"
They are always heard

#10 NC STATE
In dictionary
Next to "mediocrity"
Herb Sendek's picture

#9 UNC-WILMINGTON
Committee likes jokes
Colnial champion
Plays "forefather's school"

#8 GEORGE WASHINGTON
I can't tell a lie
Your schedule was softer than
Pillow factory

#7 CALIFORNIA
Forget your 7-seed
Eastern Michigan owns you
Who did you sleep with?

#6 WEST VIRGINIA
Call the O.E.D.
Mountaineers' foes know this phrase
"You've been Pittsnogled!"

#5 SYRACUSE
Last 4 games aside
With Boeheim's rep in First Round
Call them Syra-lose

#4 LSU
"Big Baby"'s so big
Tourney berth was C-Section
I'll be here all week

#3 IOWA
What of Steve Alford?
Will Jim Nabors' siren song
Lure him to his home?

#2 TEXAS
Title hopes were dashed
When Rick Barnes learned that he can't
Run plays through Vince Young

#1 DUKE
McDonald's Drive-Thru
K orders up top prospects
And a Diet Coke

*OAKLAND REGIONAL

#16 ORAL ROBERTS
Note to Scott Sutton:
Dad driving you to the game?
Call a cab instead

#15 BELMONT
Just like the horse race
Bruins provide all the thrills
Minus the bad hats

#14 XAVIER
Tourney won't be sweet
For 3...wait, 5 Musketeers
At center: Nouget

#13 BRADLEY
Eleventh Hour
Braves beat bracket bid buzzer
Now...f-up KU

#12 KENT STATE
March acts as phone booth
Changes mild-mannered Kent State
to Superman Tech

#11 SAN DIEGO STATE
Aztecs: Great nickname
Huge upgrade from their old name
"The Whale Vaginas"

#10 ALABAMA
Limped into The Dance
Won't be long until the Tide
Rolls on outta here

#9 BUCKNELL
Last year, dropped KU
That win alone marks their place
As Gods among men

#8 ARKANSAS
Can't spell "Arkansas"
Without "Kansas": Bad omen
They must play Bucknell

#7 MARQUETTE
Statement by Tom Crean?
His first bid post-Dwayne Wade
Resume strengthened

#6 INDIANA
Each Mike Davis win
Makes rabid boosters look dumb
Stick it to the man!

#5 PITTSBURGH
Since Ben Howland left
Panthers have not skipped a beat
Is Dixon the one?

#4 KANSAS
Jayhawks' fab freshmen
Won't get caught reading the hype
That's 'cause they can't read

#3 GONZAGA
Adam Morrison
Scores more than Ron Jeremy
'Stache could use some work

#2 UCLA
In just 3 short years
Bruins lustre shines once more
More proof Lavin sucks

#1 MEMPHIS
Calipari's song
"Sleazy Like Sunday Morning"
But, his wife is hot

*WASHINGTON REGIONAL

#16 ALBANY
These Great Danes lack stars
Not one Morten Andersen
Or Brigitte Nielsen

#15 WINTHROP
Gregg Marshall thinks big
This week: Thinking big upset
Next week: Bigger job

#14 MURRAY STATE
Don't unpack your bags
They'll be bounced from field so fast
They'll be "Speed Racers"

#13 AIR FORCE
If you really think
Falcons belong in The Dance
Your son's on the team

#12 UTAH STATE
Tourney bid: A sham
Only one's with resume
Worse than Michael Brown's

#11 GEORGE MASON
This year's irony:
Tony Skinn's "busy hands" dealt
Mason a low blow

#10 SETON HALL
For saving his job
Louis Orr gives Littlepage
Sack with dollar sign

#9 UAB
Re-match of '04
This time Kentucky not shocked
They'll leave Blazers blue

#8 KENTUCKY
Had you sunk lower
"Anarchy in the UK"
Is your new fight song

#7 WICHITA STATE
Naysayers be damned
Seven Nation Army can't
Hold back the Shockers

#6 MICHIGAN STATE
Please tell Shannon Brown
While dunks look good on posters
2 points is 2 points

#5 WASHINGTON
You could have had Quin!!!
Sure, you'd be on probation
But you'd have great hair

#4 ILLINOIS
In the Elite 8
Bruce Weber could face Bruce Pearl
Call Mr. Blackwell

#3 NORTH CAROLINA
With all these young guns
Roy had to like his chances
Once he learned their names

#2 TENNESSEE
Volunteers a 2
No surprise to anyone
Wait...you mean the men?!

#1 UCONN
When Rudy gets hot
UConn fans show their Gay pride
So, get used to it

*MINNEAPOLIS REGIONAL

#16B HAMPTON
Most left them for dead
But in time for March Madness
Hampton comes alive!

#16A MONMOUTH
Don't get your hopes up
New Jersey won't send a team
To the Second Round

#15 DAVIDSON
Dangerous 15
Repeat of "Hampton '01"?
Buckeyes, watch your backs

#14 SOUTH ALABAMA
Head coach once worked for
UF's Billy Donovan
So, will he choke too?

#13 PACIFIC
Big West champions
Their best player...he's Swedish?!
Uhhh...that can't be good

#12 MONTANA
Can you spell upset?
K-R-Y-S-T-K-wait
I can't spell upset

#11 UW-MILWAUKEE
New coach, same result
I can't believe someone said
Jeters never win

#10 NORTHERN IOWA
Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just us...UNI

#9 WISCONSIN
Bo knows basketball
Problem is, most don't know Bo
They should, for he's good

#8 ARIZONA
Adams and Rodgers
Where will those two turn up next?
Court...or milk carton?

#7 GEORGETOWN
What is in a name?
If that name is "John Thompson"
Increased victories

#6 OKLAHOMA
For Oklahoma
Not to be knocked out sooner
Taj will have to haul

#5 NEVADA
If you look past them
Fazekas will pimp you out
Legal in Reno

#4 BOSTON COLLEGE
March means certain things
Spring begins, snow disappears
As fast as BC

#3 FLORIDA
If you're dumb enough
To pick Gators to go deep
You reap what you sow

#2 OHIO STATE
Surprise on the scene
To fathom a Buckeye run
You needn't be nuts

#1 VILLANOVA
With their 4-guard set
Foes hijacked like Gulliver
by Lilliputians

*A "P-Lynch" Production*