March 20, 2006 Freestyle: Whup dat trick Memphis loves violence against Lita. By John Miller To kick things off, Vince and Shane McMahon enter with a Memphis jazz
band playing “The Saints go Marching In,” causing Vince to
exaggerate his strut even more than usual. Confetti and balloons galore
fall from the roof as they celebrate Shane’s win against Shawn Michaels
(HBK) at Saturday Night’s Main Event (SNME). Of course, we get more
allusions to Montreal, with Vince saying, “Shawn screwed Shawn.”
Vince books Shawn against Triple-H tonight, which brings John Cena out
to a lukewarm reaction. Cena gives us with a pretty amusing HHH impersonation,
including hair flip. Apparently John doesn’t want to wait until
Wrestlemania, so Vince books Cena/HBK vs. HHH/Shane instead. Shane doesn’t
seem too thrilled, which means Vince has shenanigans in store. As we return from break, HHH tells the McMahons he’s more than
happy to mess with Shawn’s head but doesn’t like the tag match.
Vince isn’t worried and says he’ll be out there with them,
which puts HHH at ease. Vince puts his arms around Shane and HHH, saying
they’re a “big happy family.” Wait, I thought HHH was
married to Stephanie in real life but not in WWE storylines? My head hurts.
Finally, we have our first match 20 minutes into the show, Kane vs. Carlito.
Unfortunately, these two have horrible chemistry. Kane pins Carlito easily
after a second choke-slam attempt connects. Carlito didn’t get in
any of the cool offense he’s been showing off lately. Kane talks
smack after the match, which seems rather out of character. He was probably
just boasting about his incredible powers of face-tissue regeneration.
Backstage, Carlito and Chris Masters yap at each other. Masters says
he’ll show Carlito how it’s done against the Big Show. The Blackjacks are the next inductees into the Hall of Fame. Frankly,
I’ve never heard of them. (You won’t hear that quote read
at their induction.) Pretty cool history lesson by the outstanding WWE
production team though. Now we’ve got Ric Flair vs. Rob Van Dam (RVD) vs. Shelton Benjamin
for Shelton’s Intercontinental Championship. Evidently, this match
is our bimonthly IC title defense. Forty-three minutes into the show,
and there’s still a little confetti falling. Joey Styles says RVD
is a former 5-time IC champ. Who hasn’t held that belt multiple
times? Nice overhead/northern-lights suplex from RVD. Flair rolls up RVD…but
DOESN’T use the tights? If we can’t count on Ric Flair to
cheat, then what can we hold onto in this crazy world? The finish sees
Shelton pin Flair while Ric had RVD in the figure four. Fairly creative
finish, but I’m not sure why Flair couldn’t kick out. Apparently,
Ric didn’t realize releasing the hold was an option. Where’s
the veteran savvy? Video package recaps Edge giving Mick Foley a cringe-worthy bulldog into
thumbtacks at SNME. That’ll ruin your day. Foley comes out and admits
that Edge is right, and that he has indeed become a teddy bear and a joke.
He says he is no longer a hardcore legend, but Edge “awakened”
something inside him. He then drops a couple Cactus Jack references. Crowd
wasn’t that into it, but that man can still cut a great promo. However,
the crowd vigorously belts out the “HOOOOO” call when Lita
saunters out. Lita, whose vocabulary will never be confused with Raven’s,
says Edge has “like vertigo and stuff” and “it’s
bad.” She asks to speak to the old, compassionate Foley. She asks
him to change his match hardcore match against Edge at Mania into a straight-up
wrestling match, and thus, Foley would prove to the world he’s more
than a glorified stuntman. Huge “Whup dat trick” chant starts,
which gets a huge laugh from me. (For the uninitiated, “Whup dat
trick” is a song from the movie "Hustle & Flow," which
was set in Memphis.) He blocks Lita’s low blow and counters to the
mandible claw. Edge looks on in horror and doesn’t save her. Hard
to blame him though since it certainly wasn’t the first time Lita’s
had part of a wrestler’s anatomy in her mouth, and it probably won’t
be the last. Torrie Wilson comes out to face Victoria, and I don’t care. Victoria
can wrestle, Torrie can’t, the end. Four half-naked dudes carry
Candice to the ring on a bed. Her pillow tossing distracts Torrie, and
Victoria hits the widow’s peak for an immediate pin. I’ve
never been happier to see a match go less than 30 seconds. I guess this
will lead to some sort of porn match between Torrie and Candice at Mania.
Even as a red-blooded man, I can honestly say I don’t give a shit.
I watch wrestling for wrestling. Hear that, Vince? Chris Masters comes out, and Coach says he looks “almost as good
as I do.” Hey, the Wellness Program started tonight. Cut the guy
some slack! His match with Big Show ends in a DQ rather quickly after
Masters blatantly nails Show with a chair. Masters gives him a mild beating
after the match. Frankly, The Masturbator needed to destroy Show to put
over both himself and the impending championship match at Mania. They
way WWE has booked this feud so far, there’s no reason to believe
Masters and Carlito are real threats to the titles. Stunningly, Jerry Lawler has yet to be humiliated in Memphis. I guess
the Hometown Humiliation Accord only applies to J.R. and former WCW and
ECW guys. Oh boy! HHH’s 2.5-minute entrance! They seem to be building Vince/HBK
as the real main event of Mania, which would be a bad move on every possible
level. They replay Shawn’s superplex on Shane through two tables off a
ladder at SNME. Shane will still take an insane bump, you have to give
him that. Even HBK gets hardly any reaction when he runs in. The Memphis
crowd has been dead except for the “Whup that trick” and “HOOOO”
moments. Vince DQs Cena immediately after using a closed fist on Shane.
Curiously, Vince is suddenly paying attention to the rules. Now we’re
getting HHH/Shane vs. HBK. If you’re scoring at home, that’s
the third different variation of the main-event match. WWE seems to deliver
what it advertises about half the time lately. The brothers-in-law dominate
to start the match, as you’d expect. Lawler says, “The crowd
is stunned,” which he astutely learned from J.R. really means the
crowd is dead silent and doesn’t care. Cena runs back in, and he
and HBK beat the hell out of the security guards. Vince and Shane get
the hell out of Dodge, and it’s your tried-and-true-WWE-non-finish
match. What the hell is that anyway? Shouldn’t it at least end in
a double count-out? I don’t ask for much. Vince tells Cena he will
go one-on-one with Vince next week. Goodie. Long story short, this episode was incredibly long on talk and short on wrestling. In other words, it was more of the same for WWE in the past few weeks. |
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