March 27, 2006 Freestyle: Raw is Vince For the second straight week, the chairman of WWE dominated Raw's opening and closing segments. By John Miller Vince McMahon opens Raw by reminding us that he’ll wrestle John
Cena in tonight’s main event. But “in the interest of fairness”
Shawn Michaels (HBK) will face Triple-H, because if Vince has a match
before Wrestlemania, then so does HBK. Can they book themselves out of
that match for the second straight week? Stay tuned! Mick Foley enters with two long, red gift boxes in hand. He leaves one
at the top of the ramp. He apologizes for giving Lita the mandible claw
last week. He grabs roses from the first box and says he bought them for
Lita to make amends. He says Edge’s gift is at the top of the ramp.
He calls Edge and Lita out and asks them to accept his “humble gifts,”
and they oblige. Edge isn’t fooled by the old box-of-mystery trick,
however. Edge says Mick needs a Mania win but all he’ll get is what
he really cares about lately, a paycheck. Edge reminds us that Mick cost
him the WWE Championship, which Mick disputes. Mick says it’s not
about the title, it’s about Mick capturing that defining Mania moment.
It’s also about Edge “bleeding badly from various parts of
his body” and all sorts of nasty things. Mick then shows us his
mangled right ear. He even says he wants the kids to be psychologically
scarred from watching the match. Mick says the present is to give Edge
a fighting chance. Edge finally opens the box, and it’s a wooden
bat. Edge calls him an “arrogant son of a bitch” and finally
climbs into the ring with the bat. Mick says bring it, and then he pulls
the BARBED-WIRE BAT out of the rose box. He knocks the Edge’s bat
out of his hands, then swings and misses at his head a couple times. Edge
and Lita run for the hills. Yet another awesome video package of Foley’s
hardcore history follows. They cut back from the video to Foley rocking
back and forth in the ring with his bat like a lunatic. As much as I like
the real, nice Mick, the deranged version is a lot more entertaining in
the wrestling universe. This promo sold the feud nicely and made me more
excited to see their Mania match. I only hope Foley is in somewhat decent
shape. During the break, we learn John Cena will be a guest judge on "Nashville
Star," the country-music version of American Idol. This idea makes
about as much sense as Cowboy Troy being a guest trainer on "Tough
Enough." At least in that scenario we’d get to see Bob Holly
make him cry. Carlito, at his request, gets a rematch with Kane. Carlito attacks before
the bell, as King asks, “He can’t do that, can he?”
Well it’s technically illegal, but guys do it every week with no
repercussions, so I guess you can. Carlito springboards into another attempted
choke slam (teasing last week’s finish), but Carlito pulls the ref
into Kane for the DQ. Lame. Masters, Lance Cade, and Trevor Murdoch help
beat down Kane after he chases Carlito into the back. They throw Kane
in a room and move a forklift in front of the door. I guess Cade and Murdoch
are back together, and it looks likely they’ll be added to the title
match at Mania. Then, Masters comes out for his match. Kane is free already, because
there’s apparently another door. Carlito and Masters are concerned.
We cut to commercial. We’re back with Masters saying they’ll win the titles, and
Big Show can’t bring the masterlock. Big Show enters with Kane to
take the Masterlock Challenge. At least we don’t have to see them
have a boring match for the second week in a row. Masters can’t
get the hold on because Show is too big. He says Show “is too greased
up.” Show wipes himself down, but Masters’ arms still aren’t
long enough to apply the hold. Naturally, a cheap shot ensues. Show gets
the best of it and choke slams him. Show and Kane have completely dominated
this feud, meaning they’ll undoubtedly lose the titles Sunday. Up next, Kings says there will be “hot diva tag-team action.”
Unfortunately, it’s probably not as alluring as he made it sound.
We get an exciting video of Cena lifting weights at his old gym in Bum
Fucking, Massachusetts. He worked really hard on his body. Got it. Tony Atlas is the next Hall of Fame inductee. They show Atlas and Rocky
Johnson (The Rock’s daddy) becoming the first blacks to win the
tag titles. HHH makes his way to the ring…slowly. And here comes Shawn. The
bell rings, and the match is actually happening! However, the odds of
one of these two jobbing clean tonight is less than zero. Early on, Shawn
dumps HHH when HHH puts him in pedigree position, Vince joins us, and
we’re off to commercial. We return with HHH in control, of course.
Every time HHH leans back in the corner and does the knee drop, I expect
the DX crotch chop, don’t you? HBK slingshots HHH into Vince on
the apron. Flying elbow connects, the band is tuned, but Vince grabs Shawn’s
leg before he can play his sweet music. Then Shawn FINALLY punches Vince
in the face but walks into a pedigree. HHH doesn’t pin him though
and waves Vince into the ring. HHH gets the sledgehammer. Cena runs in
and stares down the sledge-holding HHH. Cena isn’t backing down,
and HHH seems overconfident. HHH even throws the sledge out of the ring
as an insult to Cena and punches start flying. Cena decks him out of the
ring, and HHH and Vince leave arm-and-arm. During the break, Vince announced that Cena can have Shawn in his corner
because HHH will be in his. At least that will spare us the obligatory
run-ins. Ric Flair joins us, wearing a lovely suit with pink pinstripes. Trust
me, it looks good AND manly. Ric, with a ladder in the ring, reminds us
that he lost the WWE title in his only Mania appearance. Lots of people
said that was his last run, but as he points out, he won eight more world
titles. Ric puts over the Money in the Bank match and promises he will
win his 17th world title before he retires. Shelton interrupts, wearing
a hilarious white jump suit. Mamma is nowhere to be found. Shelton calls
Nature Boy’s promo “propaganda.” He says he has more
athletic ability than anyone in the match, which goes double for Flair.
Shelton says Mania will be his night, and thems fightin’ words.
Shelton is actually looking like a bad ass for once. Crowd chants for
RVD to make the save, and he quickly runs in and hits Shelton with rolling
thunder on the ladder. RVD says Shelton and Ric need to realize it’s
every man for themselves, and he will win. Flair gives RVD a thumb to
the eye and nails him in the head with the ladder. Good heat-building
segment for the ladder match, and Shelton got great heel heat with his
promo. End the Mamma’s boy crap and let the man be an old-fashioned
arrogant heel. Shelton is clearly one of the best young assets WWE has,
and it’s time make him look like a threat. Hopefully, he’ll
win Money in the Bank after being a star in the match last year. The maniacal roll call in the Spirit Squad’s entrance video is
gold. “MICKEY! JOHNNY! KENNY!” Three of the cheerleaders take
on Viscera, Val Venis, and Eugene. The Squad has their names on the back
of their shirts this week, which is certainly helpful. Actually, since
this gimmick has no legs, it’s probably for the best we don’t
know their names yet. One of them might actually make it big one day.
King says there’s nothing worse than “getting beat up by a
bunch of male cheerleaders.” It’s hard to dispute that. After
the match, we’re treated to a cheer that doubles as a tease for
tonight’s Vince/Cena match. A couple of the guys seem to forget
their lines though. Video package builds up HHH. Apparently, he’s really good at lifting
weights, too. Is this a wrestling match or a battle of their trainers?
And if it’s the latter, will Victor Conte be the special referee?
In fact, both of their trainers cut promos saying their man will win.
Super. I’m sure Suzanne Somers will buy the pay-per-view now. This week in WWE History: We get the NFL Films guy narrating a package
about William “The Refrigerator” Perry fighting in the wrestlers/NFL
players battle royal at Wrestlemania II. John Cena will induct Perry into
the “celebrity wing” of the Hall. What’s next, Morganna
the Kissing Bandit in Cooperstown? Mickie James shows us her creepy shrine to Trish Stratus. She says her
obsession isn’t just about winning the title, it’s about Trish’s
destruction. Trish, watching backstage, is disturbed. Trish and Torrie enter to face Victoria and Candice. Victoria and Candice
kiss seductively as part of their entrance. Even Joey Styles marks out
for that. For Victoria’s sake, I hope she interferes in the Candice/Torrie
porn match so she can get a Mania payday. She deserves it a hell of a
lot more than the Playboy bunnies. Candice actually takes a bump from
the top rope, shocking everyone. Stratusfaction connects on Victoria,
and that’s all she wrote. Poor Victoria. She tries so hard. Luckily, we’re spared another HHH entrance, but the live crowd
wasn’t so lucky. Vince struts down, greasy guns in tow. Vince says
he wants to beat Cena himself, so he orders the ref to handcuff HHH and
Shawn to the post (though he actually handcuffs them to the bottom rope
on opposite sides of the ring). Something tells me one of them won’t
stay cuffed. (Can you guess which one?) They start with a lockup, which
is out of character for Cena. Then a second lockup, and a third, which
Vince reverses to a headlock. Vince is bleeding from the ear. Vince wants
a test of strength now. Cena gets the best of that, but Vince kicks him
in the nuts for yet another DQ. And to no one’s surprise, Vince
uses a key to unlock HHH. HHH gets the sledge again and drills Cena in
the face with it. HHH then taunts HBK with the key while Vince comes at
him with a chair from the other side. HHH hits him with the sledge, and
then Vince gets in a chair shot to the left forearm. The In-Laws taunt
the faces as the show ends. Once again, there wasn’t nearly enough wrestling this week, but the show provided a decent build for Mania. But methinks they needed a few more efforts like this one to really hit a home-run buy rate. After staying out of the spotlight for months, Vince is now the No. 2 heel on Raw behind his son-in-law, Triple-H. If WWE ever wants to build any new Raw heels, that has to change. The Austin-McMahon glory days have passed. It's time to stop rehashing it AND the Montreal. |
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